Training My Brain to Think Like a Thin Person Again

2008 was one of the worst years of my life: everything went wrong, which means my diet went to hell too. Using food to comfort myself in that year of stress had me gaining back all the weight I lost on the Beck Diet Solution plus 30 more pounds.

Today, life is still pretty bleak, and as a bonus, I can barely fit into any of my clothes. So it's time to work on the one thing I can improve in my life right now -- I'm back on the Beck Diet Solution.

At least I can leave a good-looking corpse. Gah.

DAY 13: Jonesing for a Fix

I needed to read this step 3 months ago when my cravings took charge and I put on 20+ pounds again. *sigh* Still, it's good that I'm reading it now, because I have by no means cured my addiction to calories.

Last time, I never really got to test the Anti-Craving Strategies Dr. Beck prescribes, because I never really had any cravings until I started giving myself carte blanche to eat whatever, whenever. This time, however, I suspect these strategies will be getting quite the workout. And just reading them every day on the Response Card I've recreated goes a long way to reinforcing my positive behaviors.

Two more Response Cards from this step also help, so I've recreated them as well:

Sabotaging Thought: The next time I have a craving, I won't be able to tolerate it.
Helpful Response: I couldn't tolerate cravings in the past, but now I have lots of anti-craving techniques that I can use, which will make the craving go away. Besides, the discomfort of cravings is mild compared to the discomfort I felt when I had cancer. I survived that, and I can certainly survive cravings.

Sabotaging Thought: The next time I have a craving I won't want to control myself.
Helpful Response: I can keep reminding myself that I don't want to be at the mercy of my cravings forever. To get rid of them, I'm always going to have to do one of 2 things: either give in and never lose the weight I want or use the anti-craving techniques so often that I just won't have many cravings anymore. Once I find out these techniques really work, I'll be able to wait out my cravings so much more easily. I'll be glad when I get to the point where I don't have to be worried when I go to a party or eat out. I'll know for sure that I can tolerate these urges.

With Dr. Beck's help, I will soon learn to "Just Say No" once again.

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DAY 12: Nothing for Me, Thanks

Today's task was easy-peasy, adding to the total perfection that was me today!

Skipping lunch was easy; I barely noticed it and was hardly hungry at all. Plus, it allowed me to splurge a bit, putting the skipped lunch calories toward a dessert of strawberry gelato. Mmmmm.

Plus, I had resolved to go to my exercise class today even if it was only to stand there like a lump. Not only did I go to class and really put my all into it, I walked to the gym too! Planned exercise and spontaneous exercise, done! And I'm so proud of myself.

Getting my diet and exercise right? Now that's a good day.

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DAY 11: Charted Territory

The first time through, I thought this was an unnecessary step, and I still think so, so I didn't really do it. I did reread the chapter and my blog entries, and throughout the day, I thought about my hunger levels. I learned pretty much the same thing as last time: I'm rarely hungry and I eat because it's "time" or because of mouth hunger. I am sticking to my diet though and successfully fighting cravings. And the thing is, if I waited until I was hungry, I'd hardly ever eat. So I've resolved that Dr. Beck is overstating things when she predicts learning to eat only when you're hungry is the only way to succeed when you reach the maintenance stage. Everybody's different, I guess.

I, however, am the same as I was yesterday, and the day before, and the day before that, and... Which is to say, I didn't exercise again today. I knew I would miss my gym class (I had a conflicting event), but when it came time to go for a walk instead, I still didn't wanna. I can't figure out what's behind this new reluctance to exercise; I just feel like sitting on the couch instead of moving my body. I'm wondering if my calorie limitations right now are too strict and robbing me of my energy. But I'm even more reluctant to start eating more. So for now, I'm promising to go to my class tomorrow, even if I don't move a muscle while I'm there. Showing up is half the battle!

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DAY 10: And It's Good!

Goal setting is important, which is why I did it back at the start of this go-round. My doctor's appointment is 12 days away, and I'm still trying to lose as much weight as possible before that weigh-in. "As much as possible" is a vague goal, so I suppose I'll be happy if I get back into the 170s by then. Right now, that's less than 5 pounds away, so I'm feeling pretty good about this goal.

Then there's my bigger goal, which is to get back to my low point of 163.5 pounds. If I can keep up my motivation, I foresee meeting that goal by the official start of summer.

And then there's the mother of all goals: hit my target weight before the end of the year. From where I'm standing, that looks totally doable, but it's going to take a lot of hard work and determination.

Unfortunately, I've lost my determination to exercise. I woke up this morning with a sore back (after dreaming of moving boxes all night, oddly enough), so I used that as an excuse to skip my first gym class. And when it came time to make up my second gym class with a walk, I just didn't wanna. Not cool.

Fortunately, I am rocking my diet and meal planning! Cravings, schmavings, and it's showing on the scale. If I got my butt in gear and got moving, that scale could have even nicer things to say to me...

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DAY 9: Let's Get Physical

Today's step is the key to success for me. Even if I did everything else on the Beck Diet Solution to perfection but skipped the exercise, I don't believe I would lose a lot of weight. In fact, it's possible I could do nothing else on the Beck Diet Solution but exercise and lose a lot of weight. The thing is, I need all the other stuff to inspire me to exercise.

That said, I seem to have lost some inspiration. Last week I was exercising a minimum of twice a day. This week? Nothing. I was too lazy to go to my gym classes yesterday, and today I had a conflicting event with my class and now I'm too tired for a make-up walk. Not a good start... What's worse, I know I have conflicting events for one class tomorrow and on Thursday, so I'm going to have to work harder to get in some make-up exercise. Otherwise, here's my exercise plan (which had wonderful results last week!):

• water walking class - 3 times a week
• step aerobics class - 3 times a week
• aqua circuit class - 2 times a week
• walk with a friend - 1 time a week
  

When circumstances do prevent me from attending a class, the plan is to substitute an hour-long walk around my neighborhood or 30 minutes on my rowing machine, thereby covering my planned exercise.

As for spontaneous exercise, that's become an old habit with me. I'm always parking far away, taking the stairs, and using down-time to go for a walk. Every little bit helps, although a little bit doesn't look like much on the scale...

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DAY 8: Time for a Diet

On this second time through the Beck Diet Solution, I'm rereading each Day of my first time through, and compared to last time, today didn't go so well.

Today started off fantastically. It was (unofficial) weigh-in day, and I lost 3 pounds! I actually jumped for joy when I saw those numbers on the scale.

I couldn't have lost the weight without the exceedingly hard work I put into my diet last week, and part of that work was fighting cravings. One of the ways I fight cravings is to tell myself I can't have what I crave right now. Telling myself "no, absolutely not" can be too hard, so if I tell myself "yes, but later", it's easier to let the craving pass. And when later comes, I probably won't want it anymore, so win-win.

But last week, my craving for bread was so strong that I told myself if I worked really hard, I could reward myself with bread after the weigh-in. This promise was all I could think of yesterday, and I'm not sure I would have made it through without it. But this morning, riding the high of my weight loss, I wasn't sure I wanted the bread after all. On the other hand, I'd wanted it so much last week, so much so that it felt like salvation, that I finally decided yes, I'd have the bread.

I ate a lot of bread. And that's about all I did today. Literally. I skipped both my gym classes, nixed the idea of a make-up walk, and lounged around all day eating bread and reading a book. Definitely not as good as that other Day 8.

But I'm still in the same boat, unemployed and unattached, so I have nothing but time for this diet. And the clock starts again tomorrow!

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