WEEK 11: Recap

This week was kind of a roller coaster of jubilation and rationalization.

I didn't see a doctor this week because I realized I didn't want to know if I were sick again. Chemo was hard enough to deal with the first time around, when I didn't know what to expect. I don't want to face chemo again knowing what I know now. So even though it would probably set my mind at ease (because I'm not dying! I'm not!), I'm chickening out of seeing a doctor.

There's some guilt over that rationalization, as well as some lingering worry, but I've been tamping it down with shopping sprees. After my mammoth weeding, my closet is getting overfull again...

But I couldn't be happier about it because, for the very first time ever in my adult life, I purchased a size 12 garment. Size 12!!! Surely there are people in this world who would shudder to think of wearing a size 12, but for me, it is an unbelievable joy. I want to shout it from the rooftops: I AM WEARING A SIZE 12! What's more, I am smokin' hot in that size 12 outfit. None of the words in this paragraph are ones I thought would every apply all to me. Wearing a size 12? A total fantasy. Being smokin' hot in a context other than setting myself aflame with a cigarette? It's a world gone mad! And I'm wearing the world's biggest smile through it all.

I believe this purchase satisfies my first ARC goal, but I predict I will keep on shopping (size 9 anyone?).

To support my shopping habit, I made it back to the gym this week. At least I met my important weekly goal! And it felt good. After a month away from my step aerobics class, I expected to feel whipped after that first class back (and when the instructor came in loaded for bear, the worry intensified). But it was a breeze! OK, a sweaty, tiring breeze, but I didn't feel any worse than I did after any other class. And I even had the energy to lift some weights afterward. Good-bye, saggy grandma arms...

Unfortunately my schedule (which has adapted to not going the gym) kept me from going more than twice this week. And that lack is showing up on the scale -- it's barely moved this week. That makes more sense to me than what happened last week (and bolsters my denial), but it will be sad to see the same old number again tomorrow (or, heaven forfend, a higher number...oh, dear).

There could be a lot less jubilation and a lot more rationalization in my future.