WEEK 24: Think Like a Thin Person, Redux

The Beck Diet Solution has changed my life, giving me the tools to finally lose weight once and for all. But my application of those tools has gotten a little slipshod of late, so it's time to retrain my brain to think like a thin person. So I'm going back to the beginning of the program and starting anew.

The beginning of a new year seems like the natural time to begin a new project, but it's mostly coincidental. I'm not one for resolutions, mostly because when I did have resolutions, they were usually the vague type, like "lose weight", with no idea or plan to get from here to there. The Beck Diet Solution is a solid roadmap for getting from here to there, but still, I'm not going to make a resolution. Instead I'm making a prediction.

I predict I will see the 130s on my scale before the end of 2008. That's how good the Beck Diet Solution is!

Happy New Year.

WEEK 23: Recap

Well, this was the week that wasn't. The perfect end to the month that wasn't, I guess.

I did follow through on my goal for Thursday: I read my ARC and Response Cards and I reread the first week of this blog. I found rereading the blog immensely helpful because it inspired me all over again.

And then I went to sleep. And slept, and slept, and slept. And when I wasn't sleeping, I was eating. Weirdly, I was eating things that were pretty good for me, just way too much of them. I mean, who binges on oatmeal? And not those over-salted, chemically-flavored packs, just regular old oats, water, and cinnamon. Oatmeal does fill you up, and several bowls of it make you feel like you've got cement filling your guts. Just FYI.

So here I am, feeling overly rested and still bloated, regretting the tailspin this past un-month has put my diet in. I'll be glad to turn the calendar to a new month and a new year, to put all this illness, depression, and weight behind me.

Here's to a new leaf!

WEEK 23: Progress Report

So far, there's no progress to report this week. I enjoyed the holidays without thinking about diet or exercise and now I'm having trouble breaking that habit.

Yesterday's goal to exercise fell by the wayside when I received a dinner invitation for the same time as my gym class. After 21 lonely days on my sickbed, I didn't have the will to say no to a social occasion, so I skipped the class. And afterwards, when I might have gone for a walk, it was too cold! Two-degrees-above-freezing cold! So instead of a walk, I came home and started my hibernation.

Today, I'm not feeling any more motivated. Maybe it's the post-holiday slump? The winter blahs? A post-illness hangover? Whatever it is, I'm just not feeling excited about anything but curling up under a quilt some more. Unfortunately, that's not going to make me any skinnier or healthier.

So today's goal is to find some motivation. I'm going to read my ARC and Response Cards today, and I'm going to reread the first week of this blog. That should light a fire under me, figuratively speaking. (Although a literal fire might do me some good too... Brrr!)

WEEK 23-3: Back to Work

Yesterday was certainly merry, if not for my diet. I went a little crazy with the fried eggs and pancakes (although I managed to stop at 2 syrup-dripping cakes instead of my usual 4) and then I ate at least a day's-calories worth of some chocolate-caramel crunchies. Wow, were they delicious and so not anything I needed to binge on.

Now that the holidays are over, it's back to work on the Beck Diet Solution. We're less than a week away from a whole new year and my dream is to start that year in fighting condition. Since I seem to be (relatively) healthy again, that means it's time to go back to the gym. So today's goal is to attend my step aerobics class this evening or to take a walk.

Ready. Set. Go!

WEEK 23-2: Merry Christmas!

I had no trouble enjoying myself yesterday, so that's another goal met. I did overdo it a little with the pumpkin fudge, but nothing I can't forgive myself.

So here's another day of trying to enjoy myself; I'll think about Dr. Beck and her solution tomorrow.

Merry Christmas!

WEEK 23: An Early Present

Bad news first: I didn't achieve my goal yesterday. Instead of going for a walk and getting some exercise, I slept for about 16 of the 24 hours that comprised yesterday. It was weird -- I just couldn't keep my eyes open, as if I'd been drugged or something. A part of me is dreading that this is the symptom of yet another illness, but how can that be? It's Christmas eve and I've already received my first present.

That's the good news! Even without (hardly) any exercise last week, I lost 2 1/2 lbs.! Merry Christmas indeed! That more than makes up for the gains of the previous weeks, and it puts me on target for reaching my monthly goal of maintaining my weight (actually, it puts me at a loss, but the month ain't over yet...)

I can hardly believe it's true, but there's that old saying about gift horses... So I won't question, I will merely accept and celebrate! Reasonably of course. But it is Christmas eve, a time of enjoyment which I sorely need after being sick all month, so my goal for today is merely to have a good time.

Maybe I'll go weigh myself again -- I sure would enjoy seeing that little number again!

WEEK 22: Recap

For all my big talk yesterday, I sure didn't walk the walk. I could have. I felt up to it, I just didn't feel like doing it. Pure laziness, through and through, which is just what I was afraid of. Once I broke the habit of exercising regularly I put myself in danger of not getting back into the habit. But no more excuses -- I am going to go for a walk today, period, end of sentence.

Exercise has played a major part in my success on the Beck Diet Solution, and I know it. It doesn't make me like exercise any more than I used to, but it does make me more willing to do it, because I want to lose this weight. To lose weight, I have to exercise; restricting my calories just isn't enough.

That said, this week of restricting calories without much exercise does seem to have worked. The scale is giving me some positive feedback, but I refuse to believe that means I don't need to exercise (however tempting that idea may seem right now). My personal theory is that I've finally cleared out most of the snot that's been weighing me down for two weeks, and that's why the scale looks better.

Whatever the reason, I'm grateful and looking forward to tomorrow's weigh-in. And I know I'll enjoy the weigh-in even more after my "last-chance workout" walk today!

WEEK 22-6: Walking the Walk

I guess I'm just a party girl at heart, because I couldn't completely avoid that pity party yesterday. I went to a dinner party but I arrived late and not feeling very well, so I just said my hellos and good-byes and went home before eating. I was feeling pretty sorry for myself that I was too sick to have fun, and my food plan was shot since it included the dinner party, so when I got home I had some soup and some chocolate. That's less damage than the big dinner would have been, but giving in to chocolate doesn't seem like a solid move. So I'm not sure whether yesterday's goal was successfully met?

Moving on, I'm feeling much better today (both physically and emotionally) so today's goal is to get some exercise. It's been 5 days since I've had any exercise and 18 days since I've exercised regularly, so I'm long overdue. I finally feel up to it, and with no more pressing activities on my schedule today, I'm ready! It'll be great to get moving again and the emotional boost will be appreciated too.

WEEK 22-5: My RSVP is No

Yesterday was a slam dunk, to continue that sports metaphor. No pumpkin fudge while I stuck to my food plan! And the scale is showing very positive results...

My stamina continues to be low, so my choice these days is exercise or everyday chores and errands. More specifically, today's choice is exercising naked or doing a whole bunch of laundry. Unfortunately, doing some laundry and getting some exercise (clothed or not) just isn't a possibility.

Because I don't want to complete all of today's activities naked, laundry it is. Exercise will just have to keep waiting for me to feel stronger or have less to do.

So today's goal is sticking to my food plan, which is getting so boring. But it is working, so I shouldn't complain.

Really, really, really I shouldn't complain because I don't need any encouragement to feel sorrier for myself. What with having been sick all month and missing out on lots of holiday festivities and feeling like nobody loves me because who wants to stick around for the coughing and nose-blowing and whining, I've already got the makings of a huge pity party. Which are usually lavishly catered affairs, of course, so no. No party, no pity, just me and my food plan and the dream of one day being healthy and happy and hard(er)-bodied again.

WEEK 22: Progress Report

This one-day-at-a-time plan is working out great. I have a lot less stress and guilt since I'm focusing only on the now, without the distractions of yesterday's mistakes or tomorrow's challenges. These folks clearly know what they're talking about.

I met yesterday's goal of sticking to my food plan, even though some pumpkin fudge was calling my name by the end of the evening. It's been sitting in my fridge for a few days, waiting for me to get together with the friend it's destined for, but it's been hard for us to match schedules, so the fudge is just sitting there. Taunting me.

But I resisted yesterday, and today's goal is to resist again. No pumpkin fudge and stick to my food plan, so it's a two-point goal. Maybe even a three-pointer, given the level of difficulty. But I'm shooting for nothing but net.

WEEK 22-3: Bah Humbug

Yesterday's goals went so-so. I achieved one and very nearly achieved another.

The good news is I stayed on my food plan, eating everything on it and nothing that wasn't!

The not-quite-bad news is that I made it to the gym, but I didn't stay for class. I was running late and once I arrived I realized I'd forgotten my gym bag. I did have my swimsuit, but I just didn't have the wherewithal to deal with the trouble of no shower shoes, no swim cap, no lock. So I went home and didn't do any make-up exercise; I was feeling too bummed about missing my favorite teacher's last class and being too sick to make myself go. Poor me.

Today's peek at the scale was promising though, so I'm a little cheered up. Until I think about all the last-minute Christmas stuff I absolutely, positively, no more stalling, have to finish today. I am just not feeling the holiday spirit this year.

So an easy goal today: stick to my food plan. I'm predicting it's easy because I'll probably be too busy to think about food, but then again, the day might be so stressful I'll want a pick-me-up... But no choice, right? Right!

WEEK 22-2: From the Slopes of Mt. Everest

Yesterday's goal was met! I went for a walk and completed my usual route! It did take me about 10 minutes longer than usual, but I wasn't pushing myself, I was just taking it easy. Nonetheless, I really got a work-out. But my muscles enjoyed it and so did I. I really have missed exercise.

So today's goal is more of the same. I remembered that tonight is the last class taught by my favorite teacher, so my goal is to make it to the gym for that. I'm not sure how much energy I'll be able to give it, but I'm not looking to crest the mountain, just start the climb.

Today has another goal too. Last night, after my walk, I gave in to the munchies and just went crazy with tortilla chips, salsa, crackers, peanut butter, and jam. Not all together, but they still added up. So today I'm going to stick to this food plan:


NO CHOICE.

WEEK 22: One Day at a Time

My curiosity turned out to be stronger than my dread, so I weighed in today. Not good news: another week of no exercise and lots of comfort food added back a whole pound.

I'm trying very hard not to beat myself up over this gain. There are extenuating circumstances, and the setback doesn't diminish the hard work and progress I've made so far. But I can't say I'm happy about this backward trend.

But the holidays have enough inherent guilt and stress, so I refuse to add any more. To that end, I'm not going to have any weekly goals this time. Instead, I'm going to have smaller, daily goals. That way I can control my weight but without building up unrealistic expectations.

Today's goal is to exercise. I think I'm ready; I'm feeling better physically since the sinus meds are kicking in (finally). A class at the gym sounds too intimidating though, so I'm going to start slow with a long walk.

Also, I'm not going to post my weight-loss chart or ticker this week. It's just too depressing to see that upward line or that bunny hopping backwards. Here's hoping they'll look more encouraging next week.

WEEK 21: Recap

Apparently, I've been very, very bad because karma is trying to kill me. I woke up with a hideous sinus headache that turned out be keeping company with a sinus infection. Right now, I'm hoping karma is successful in its quest.

I have been very, very bad. I pretty much ignored my diet all week. I never got any exercise (although I really wasn't in any shape for it), I only read my ARC and Response Cards once (and it showed!), and my eating has been out of control (at least no cookies yet today).

Of course all that adds up to a weight gain; I don't even want to think about weighing in tomorrow. I'm tempted to skip it, write myself a sick note to excuse me from the humiliation. I'm torn, because I'm not sure how much more bad news I can take right now -- between being sick and tired and sick again, I'm just not happy. On the other hand, skipping a weigh-in is a dangerous precedent to set.

It's so hard to make decisions when my head is aching like this.

WEEK 21-6: Accentuating the Positive

Not my best day on the Beck Diet Solution, but I'm trying to find the gold among the dross.

Since I was feeling so much better, I was trying to catch up on my holiday festivities today. That mostly meant baking Christmas cookies to give away as gifts. I knew it would be a challenge to surround myself with all that sugary temptation, but my Christmas cookies are a tradition that people start asking about in October. I couldn't disappoint them; I just had to be strong!

For the most part, it went pretty well. I had to sample 3 cookies, but that's much better than I had feared. It helped that I propped my ARC up against the racks of cooling cookies.

However, the cookie-baking took all of my time and energy today, so I didn't make it on a walk. I was resting when friends called to invite me to the movies, and I had to say yes, since I'm getting a little stir-crazy, and I figured I could handle sitting and watching a movie.

Strangely enough, in the middle of the film (which had absolutely nothing to do with bacon), I got the strongest craving for bacon. And instead of remembering my Response Cards (which I haven't read once this week!) I started thinking that my favorite fast food place has a yummy bacon cheeseburger... So on the drive home I detoured past the nearest one. I was wrestling with myself the whole way but the side that wanted to indulge and treat myself (I haven't had fast food in ages!) was winning. But the restaurant was closed! It was a sign. Or something.

So I headed home, where I ate 3 more Christmas cookies. And half a box of crackers.

Yeah, not a lot of positives in there. But I was driven to read my ARC and to apply another tattoo in hopes that giving myself some credit will help me earn some!

WEEK 21-5: My Blue Period

Physically I'm feeling better, but emotionally I'm feeling a little blue. I'm just tired of being sick and it's getting me down.

The good news is I am feeling better physically, much better, so much so that I think I can manage a walk tomorrow. I may not be very fast, and I may need to take a rest stop or two, but I'm going to walk my normal route and see how it goes. At the very least, the endorphins will cheer me up.

I also did better with my eating today. Some friends invited me to dinner and I almost said no because I'm still a little sniffly for public consumption. But then I realized I wouldn't have to summon the energy to make my own dinner (or default to something convenient and fattening), so I went. I had a good time and a healthful meal (which I only ate half of, doing a great job with my restaurant plan!).

So things can only get better, right? Please?

Week 21: Progress Report

No news is not always good news... There's been absolutely no progress on my goals this week, and that's definitely not good news.

I haven't been feeling strong enough to exercise (just grocery shopping was exhausting), and I'm feeling very flabby and fat.

Also, I forgot all about reading my ARC and Response Cards till just now. I must concentrate long enough to remember to read them once I log off the computer!

Finally, I've been making some really lousy food choices. I had a delicious and nutritious dinner planned for tonight, but it was just too much work to make it. So I substituted gorging on sugar instead. No, it wasn't good for my diet or for my tetchy stomach or for my self-esteem. I just feel flabbier and fatter.

I want Santa to bring me a stronger immune system. And a flatter stomach. And a new car. (You know, if you're reading this, Santa...)

WEEK 21-3: One Calorie Per Minute

It turns out I burn about 1 calorie every minute I'm sleeping. If only it were possible to sleep 25 hours a day, I could lose weight easily!

As it is, sleeping is about the most strenuous activity I can sustain right now. Serious exercise, like a step class, is completely out of the question, and even lighter exercise, like a walk around the block, is just too much right now. I really pushed myself today because I needed to do some grocery shopping, but then I needed a lie-down after that simple exertion.

On the other hand, I'm seriously non-interested in food right now. I'm not sure if it's a symptom of my continued congestion (everything tastes like cardboard to my deadened taste buds) or if it's round 2 of this flu. I've been getting some distressing messages from my stomach about the likelihood of rejecting anything I put into it.

Ah, to be healthy and fighting off cravings with a strenuous work-out!

WEEK 21: Giddyup

Well, that was unpleasant.

Actually, it still is a little unpleasant, but at least I'm feeling human again. And things I care about -- the Beck Diet Solution, Christmas cards, basic hygiene -- seem important again. So it's time to get back on those horses!

It's too bad I lost a week on the program, especially because I gained a 1/2 lb. Apparently skipping exercise to lie in bed groaning and treating myself to all kinds of comfort foods don't burn as many calories as I hoped.

Getting back to the exercise is going to be tough. Momentum is what kept me going to the gym day after day, and now a week-long inertia has set in. Plus, I'm still pretty weak, so daily workouts aren't advisable anyway. Getting myself back in the exercise habit without prolonging my convalescence is going to be a fine line to walk, so that's my goal this week.

My overall goal for December still is to maintain my weight, so losing that 1/2 lb. should be a priority. But I don't want to push myself too hard and cause a relapse; I've missed enough parties already! Besides, it's entirely possible that weight is all the snot still stuffing up my head. So instead I'm going to focus on reading my ARC and Response Cards again -- another habit I dropped while I was sick.

As for those comfort foods... With a head full of snot comes that soul-sucking apathy, meaning I just didn't care what I was eating when I was sick. Not in a denial and rationalization way, I honestly just didn't care. I don't think any cognitive therapy program in the world could combat that kind of non-thinking.

So how to overcome it? I guess the only way is to avoid it altogether by staying healthy. It might also help if I didn't turn instinctively to food as a soother. Like my quest for wiser celebrations, how to change this habit is going to take some thought. But following the Beck Diet Solution does provide me with some help, so I'm keeping at it!

WEEK 20-3: How Much Does Snot Weigh?

I'm sick.

My joints were achy and I had a scratchy throat and sinus headache yesterday but I tried to convince myself it was just the changes in weather. After spending twenty minutes this morning emptying out my sinuses, I realized it's the flu.

It seems pretty mild so far, but my weight-loss efforts are suffering anyway. When it came to my exercise class this morning, the spirit was willing but the flesh was weak; I just couldn't lift myself out of bed. I'm predicting the same result for tonight's class.

And forget about dieting -- it's not just my resistance to germs that's low... I pretty much poisoned myself on chocolate cake. Nausea would be a welcome relief at this point.

Ugh.

WEEK 20-2: Celebrations: Not Just for Candy Anymore

Yesterday was a rocky start to controlling my eating this week: I was so excited about my loss that I "celebrated" with a slice of birthday cake for breakfast. Then I was too full of chocolate and remorse to think about food for most of the day. I finally had some dinner, and then later I got hungry... Yep, I had another slice of cake. Such an idiot!

But the disaster did get me thinking that I need to figure out satisfying ways to celebrate accomplishments and good news and fun times. I.e., in ways that don't involve hundreds of calories but still feel like I'm treating myself and having a good time.

So far my list of celebrations that don't involve food is pretty lame:

• dance around the house to my favorite CDs
• get a massage
• buy a new outfit
  

Clearly this is going to take some more thought. Or maybe I should just tattoo this Response Card to my forehead and be done with it!

Meanwhile, today has gone very well. I wrote out my food plan and followed it with no problem. To make sure I wouldn't be tempted by visions of chocolate cake dancing in my head, I had chocolate pudding instead (OK, the chemicals may kill me, but I'll leave a skinny corpse!) and that was just the trick.

And, wonder of wonders, I made it to my gym class tonight! Really, it was a wonder because I had a bunch of errands to run before class. And those errands should have involved traffic jams, lack of parking, long lines, hassles over a returned item, more long lines, more parking challenges, and twice the time I'd estimated for them. Instead? There were open roads, there was parking, there were short lines, there was no hassle, there was more parking, and everything took less time than I'd estimated.

Still I was cutting it close to the wire when I pulled into a parking space at the gym. And that's when I realized I'd left my membership card and my driver's license at home... So I trudged into the gym prepared to bribe them to let me in but sure that I would probably have to go home defeated, but then? They let me in without a problem. I wasn't even late for class!

With so much luck on my side, I thought I should buy a lottery ticket (but, um, I forgot). Still, such good fortune deserves a celebration. High-five myself? (Uh-uh.) Sing a chorus of "For I'm a Jolly Good Fellow"? (Not even.) Enjoy a Celebration? (Trick question!)

But I'd better come up with some viable options, stat!

WEEK 20: The Holiday Spirit

My favorite birthday present this year has to be the one I gave myself: I lost 2 lbs. while celebrating!

WOW!

I had a good feeling about my diet and exercise last week, but no way was I expecting such a big loss. Now I'm feeling much better about my chances at getting through Christmas without gaining weight...

That is my focus for the rest of the month: not gaining any weight. Ideally of course I'd like to lose weight -- I'm only 2 lbs. away from the minus-30 lbs. mark, and it would be super to start off 2008 in the 150s... But I'm not asking for a Christmas miracle; if I can maintain 165.5 for the next 4 weeks, that will be wonderful.

This week's challenges both fall on Sunday (the day before next week's weigh-in, of course). I'm attending a tea party and a Christmas party, both of which will focus on stuffing yummy morsels into one's mouth. What to do, what to do?

First, I'm going to control my eating throughout the week by writing out my food plans and focusing on extra-healthy meals.

Second, I'm going to exercise 8 times this week. Again, that means finding time to exercise this weekend and I believe I can do it.

Third, I'm going to read my ARC and Response Cards every day, and twice on Sunday. I'm going to read them right before the tea party and again right before the Christmas party. And I'm not going to let anything stop me: if I'm running late, oh well. If I'm eager to start partying, too bad. If my friends are being a bad influence, I will lock myself in the bathroom and read my Cards sitting on the edge of the tub! I am determined not to be undone by platters of petits fours or hunks of plum pudding. And my Cards will help.

Then, once I'm in the proper holiday spirit, let's get that party started!

WEEK 19: Recap

Wow, after a month of blogging every day, I kind of missed not posting anything yesterday. Maybe I need to rethink posting every day in December. It would be so helpful for my diet -- maybe my goal can be posting almost every day?

But now for my regularly-scheduled program: I did very well with my goals this week. Not perfect, but I think they'll have the desired effect (i.e., losing weight while celebrating my birthday).

My eating was amazing, considering I had 3 birthday dinners in one week. Last night's final hurrah was at a Chinese restaurant, which posed a challenge. Everything was served family-style, so it was hard to figure out what "half" of my entree would be. But I managed; I had a little of this and a little of that and didn't even reach full. Which is just as well because my friends surprised me with a gi-normous chocolate cake for dessert! Oh, it was so sinful! Oh!

A slice of that cake met one of my sub-goals: to eat no more than 2 slices of birthday cake this week. And the cocktail I had at dinner the other night means I met another sub-goal: no more than 1 cocktail this week. Eating no more than half my restaurant entrees was a little trickier, so I know I'll need to focus more on my new Response Card on celebrating. I also skipped reading my ARC and Response Cards one day, and I just never managed to read them immediately before this week's parties and dinners, but all the times I did read them definitely helped keep my eating under control this week, so I'm feeling pretty good about this goal.

I'm feeling marvelous about my second goal: exercise at least 8 times. Not only did I meet this goal, I exceeded it! I worried I wouldn't be able to fit in any exercise over the weekend, but I managed a session on the rowing machine on Saturday and then a long walk on Sunday! Simply amazing; I'm so proud of myself.

So I'm going into tomorrow's weigh-in with a good feeling. Or maybe that's the chocolate-cake-induced endorphins, but whatever, I'm liking it.

WEEK 19-5: Happy Birthday!, Part IV

Man, am I glad this is the last day of NaBloPoMo! It's been really hard posting every single day for a month. But I'm glad I did it -- having so much focus on my diet has definitely helped me through this month of feasting and festivities.

Tonight was another dinner in honor of my birthday, and I handled it slightly better than before. I kept to my weekly goal of eating no more than half my entree, and that was really easy -- because I overdid it a little with the appetizers. We ordered two starters, which I rarely ever do, because who needs that much food? But in honor of my birthday...

One was a baked polenta with cheese and marinara sauce, so not too horrific in the calorie and fat departments. And I just ate about a quarter cup serving.

But the other starter was a fried flatbread stuffed with cheese and topped with diced tomato. I had 3 slices of that. And two slices of garlic-poppy seed bread with butter. And a gin and tonic.

By the time my penne and chicken sausage in marinara arrived, I was too full to do more than pick at it.

I might have done better if I had remembered to read my ARC and Response Cards beforehand as I had planned. I did reread Days 20 and 30, which inspired to me to create a new Response Card:

Sabotaging Thought: This is a special occasion. I deserve to treat myself
Helpful Response: If I want to lose weight and keep it off forever, I have to learn to celebrate in different ways. If I keep celebrating with food and drink, I'll put myself at risk for gaining weight. It isn't worth it!

Reading this card before dinner tonight might have kept me on the straight and narrow, but it'll have its chance to help out this weekend and throughout the holiday season.

Blogging every day of December would help my diet too, but that's a big commitment. I'm already swamped with a to-do list that seems to grow exponentially to the amount of work I do, so taking on another task seems suicidal. On the other hand, facing the trays of Christmas cookies, the stockingfuls of chocolate, the egg nog! with no more protection than my "will power"? That seems insane.

Of course once they strap me into that strait-jacket I won't have to worry about giving in to my cravings!

WEEK 19: Progress Report

My first weekly goal (controlling my eating) already took a hit, as I reported yesterday. I won't be able to check off "followed restaurant eating plan", but I'm still on track with reading my ARC and Response Cards and with limiting my cake (1 slice) and cocktails (none).

I'm also on track with my second weekly goal. I've completed 6 workouts so far, thanks to a last-minute substitution tonight.

Getting to my Tuesday/Thursday exercise class is so much tougher than any of my other classes, and tonight was no exception. I was all ready to go but it meant driving a 60-mile round trip to make it, and I ultimately decided that substituting a long walk would be the practical thing to do.

That decision was dangerous, because best intentions have a way of going wrong... After all, it is (almost literally) freezing cold of an evening, so a walk when I got home was going to be pretty nippy. In fact, on the drive home I was rationalizing skipping the walk because I just wanted to be warm. But wonder of wonders, I whipped out a NO CHOICE. I told myself I was going to go for a walk and that was the end of it. And I did!

Yes, I about froze my ninny off, but I had the glow of accomplishment to keep me warm.

WEEK 19-3: Happy Birthday! Part III

Tonight's birthday celebration was an Ethiopian dinner. Despite my triumphs in the past, tonight I acted like someone who's never even heard of Judith Beck and her Solution.

I went to dinner very hungry (too busy to eat since breakfast), so when I had finished half my entree, I still had room. So I kept going. The little voice that wanted to warn me this was a mistake was too busy listening to the little voice that was rationalizing that overeating wouldn't hurt because I had missed calories to make up for.

By the time I registered that I had passed comfortably full, there were only a few bites left. That was too little to put in a to-go box and heaven forfend I just just leave food on my plate(!), so instead I nibbled at it until it was all gone.

Ugh. How can so few sentences contain so many mistakes?! Not only am I suffering a tummy-ache and a tarnished track record, but I've also blown my goal of controlling my eating during this birthday celebration week. Plus there are 2 more dinners and a party before the week is over... At the moment I feel as if I never want to eat again, but that will change, so I need to get a grip on myself.

First, I'm going to reread Dr. Beck's advice for Day 30 and Day 20.

Second, I'm going to read my ARC and Response Cards immediately before those dinners and that party, to keep my goals and helpful thoughts firmly in mind.

Third, I'm going to remind myself how devastated I'll be if I start my 36th trip around the sun any heavier than I was at the end of my 35th trip!

WEEK 19-2: The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

The Good: I'm already halfway to my exercise goal for the week. I've worked out 4 times in the last 2 days, so I only have 4 more times in the next 5 days. Three of those workouts will be classes at the gym, so I just have to find some time this weekend to go for a walk or row on my machine. That's looking pretty tricky what with birthday stuff, a friend's bon voyage party, and the Christmas social whirl kicking off... I'll figure something out though.

The Bad: Last week, my favorite instructor at the gym told us she was quitting soon to take a new job. I was sad (she's such a great teacher!) and now I'm sadder because tonight she told us she'll be away for the next two weeks and then back for one last class. Since her current substitute isn't very good and is likely to become the permanent teacher, I'm worried I'll be convinced to drop the class altogether.

The Ugly: My thighs and upper arms. Despite all the weight-training, my thighs and upper arms are getting saggier and saggier as I lose the fat in them. All that elephant skin is depressing me when I should be excited about the weight-loss. *sigh* How do the Biggest Loser contestants do it? What's their secret?!

WEEK 19: "It's my birthday too, yeah"

At the dawn of my birthday week, I already have much to celebrate! My goals for last week were just the trick for taming Thanksgiving temptations, and instead of packing on some pounds, I lost weight!

True, it was only a 1/2 pound. I'm having to force myself to recognize what an amazing accomplishment it is to lose any weight in a week starring carbs, carbs, and more carbs, because I keep thinking, That's all? Half a pound? Silly girl!

That half pound is a testimony to my hard work and dedication last week, and it will be just the encouragement I need to weather this week filled with birthday festivities. It was also a contributing factor to my contest win today! I believe my $25 windfall will go towards a new birthday outfit...

And to continue last week's success, I am setting the same kinds of goals this week. With the ultimate goal of not gaining any weight while celebrating my special day, my goals this week are to:

• Control my eating by:
• Reading my ARC and Response Cards every day
• Following my restaurant food plan of dividing my entrees in half
  
• Having no more than 2 slices of birthday cake/dessert all week
  
• Having no more than 1 cocktail all week
  
• Exercise at least 8 times

Since those dangerous birthday celebrations are spread out over most of the week, instead of a concentrated event like Thanksgiving, I will have to be even stronger and smarter this week. But I did pretty well last week, and I think I can kick it up a notch to see some smaller 160s next week! I sure wouldn't hate it if I lost a whole pound...

WEEK 18: Recap

What an amazing week! I didn't exactly meet all of this week's goals, but what I did accomplish is sure to have kept any weight from creeping back.

My Thanksgiving food plan worked beautifully during dinner. I limited what I ate but enjoyed a little bit of everything so I didn't feel deprived. Over the following days, denying myself the leftovers was a problem, so I'll be sure to include that in my food plan next year.

Reading my ARC and Response Cards almost every day helped me keep the rest of my eating this week under control. I did skip reading them one day and they didn't make me strong enough to withstand those leftovers, but I'm convinced my eating would have been much worse if I hadn't been reinforcing my will power with those Cards.

Finally, I didn't get quite all of the exercise I wanted. The Thanksgiving walk I fantasized about never happened (and was instead replaced with a couple rounds of egg nog, I now recall), but I missed my weekly goal of exercising every other day because I slept through my Saturday morning class and never got around to replacing it (when I could have walked in the evening, I was asleep again, napping off some tryptophan!).

So not a perfect week, goal-wise, and yet the results couldn't have been much better. Well, I don't want to jinx it, but I'm pretty confident I have achieved my goal of remaining in the 160s. And I'm almost positive I'll win the contest weigh-in, so I'm already thinking how I'll spend that $25 prize!

WEEK 18-6: Happy Birthday!, Part II

Tonight's celebration was at a restaurant featuring butter-topped steaks and 8 kinds of potatoes. I anticipated this would be a bad place for my diet, but I was happily surprised.

Everything is a la carte there, so I didn't have to worry about a huge platter of food and everyone shared things family style as well. So I had a 4 oz. filet medallion (yes, soaked in butter, and it was amazing) as well as a taste of the sweet potato casserole with pecan crust (divine!), creamed spinach, and some asparagus and broccoli. I splurged with a cocktail, enjoyed a slice of bread with butter, and even had room for a bite of creme brulee with fresh berries. It was all so good, but what really stays with me is how I hardly ate anything! I had such little tastes of everything but felt completely satisfied. Now that's a celebration!

But the celebration started before I even walked into the restaurant. Back in the throes of a shopping spree, I bought a dress. It's a 50s-style cocktail dress in pink with a black chiffon overlay, and it's nothing I would normally buy. For starters, it's sleeveless (and my arms are much more defined but still awfully puffy). But more importantly, it's a size 8.

The friend I was shopping with found it for herself but decided the pink didn't suit her. So she insisted I try it on. At the time I was celebrating being able to squeeze into a 12 -- an 8 was never going to fit! But she insisted, so I tried it on to show her how silly she was being. Amazingly, the dress fit -- almost. I could get it on and it looked pretty good, but it wouldn't zip up all the way. My friend insisted I buy it anyway, as an incentive for losing more weight. I was worn down enough to agree, and the dress hung in my closet, waiting.

When I was picking out what to wear to tonight's birthday dinner, I thought of trying on the pink dress, just to see how much further I had to go until I could wear a size 8. The answer: I'm there! I wore a size 8 dress to dinner tonight! A size EIGHT!

I'm so excited but trying to keep perspective. The dress is generously cut, and it's possible it's mis-marked because I'm still just fitting into size 12 clothing, and my arms really aren't ready for sleeveless wear yet. But.

I wore a size 8 dress to dinner tonight. Happy Birthday to me!

WEEK 18-5: Down the Hatch

Unfortunately, the cake didn't go into the trash right that minute. My taboo against wasting food was too strong, and the cake and the pies were still hanging around the kitchen this morning.

At first, I tried to work a piece of cake into my food plan, promising myself I had the will power to have a single piece each day. And that cake was dee-licious! So delicious, in fact, that I couldn't stop wondering if a piece of French silk chocolate pie would taste as good...

I fought myself all day, remembering my Response Cards on wasting food and fighting cravings, and in the end, I said to myself, "I accept that what I'm doing is a bad idea and I want to do it anyway." So I had some pie and some more cake. They both tasted so wonderful, but not wonderful enough to wash out the disappointment in myself or the bloated queasiness in my stomach.

In atonement, I went for a long walk. I'd already been to the gym this morning, but more exercise seemed like a good idea for three reasons:

• to work off some of the excess
• to get away from the desserts and their siren call
• to have a good long talk with myself

I spent that walk thinking about why I was being so foolish, giving in to emotional eating and refusing to "waste" food in the more beneficial way.

It worked. When I got home, the pies immediately went into the trash can. I couldn't quite bring myself to throw away the cake -- I'm only human! -- but I did put it in the freezer. Maybe it will get freezer-burned and less appetizing, but at the very least making it a popsicle will slow down my eating!

WEEK 18: Progress Report

My Thanksgiving food plan went great! I ate just a little bit of everything at dinner, just reaching a pleasant fullness and not feeling deprived at all, and then I had only a slice of cake for dessert. I felt slightly deprived then -- the pies and ice cream looked so good! But the cake filled me back up again, so I wasn't really tempted to have any more dessert. It made for a lovely Thanksgiving, this first year where I didn't feel the need to change into pants with an elastic waistband!

So my food plan was a success, as far as it went... I realize now I failed to plan for the aftermath of Thanksgiving: the leftovers. As is my wont these days, I tried to give away food, but there's still so much left. More food than I would ever think of throwing away, usually, but I'm afraid I'm going to end up eating it all.

It was fine at first; I packed up all the leftover food and stowed it in the fridge. The only items left out on the counter were the leftover rolls and the pumpkin-raisin cake with cream cheese frosting. Unfortunately, bread and cake are two of my biggest weaknesses. Still, I was doing OK when I was still full from dinner. By the end of the evening, when I was starting to feel a little peckish, I combated the urge to eat by pulling out my ARC and Response Cards. I didn't read them, I just set them beside me, glanced at them when I felt like eating, and that stopped me. For a little while. Then I decided that I was hungry, it was a long time since dinner, and one roll with butter wasn't going to hurt anything.

Except then I decided that another slice of cake wouldn't hurt anything either. The truth is, the calories probably weren't a big problem. But going back on my word to myself hurt. And all that sugar hurt; I'm feeling a little queasy from the insulin spike.

So I'm ending a successful day on a note of disappointment and nausea. That cake should go into the garbage right this minute!

WEEK 18-3: Half-empty or Half-full?

Because I overslept, I missed my morning gym class today, thereby ruining my chance of meeting one of my weekly goals. And I was too busy catching up on everything else I slept through to get in any replacement exercise for that.

I did go on my evening walk as a replacement for my evening gym class. Even though it felt like it was below freezing!

So I'm trying to keep up my spirits about my efforts. Yes, it's too bad I missed that class, but it's not as if I didn't get any exercise today. Will getting half my daily exercise destroy my entire dieting effort in this calorie-laden week? Only if I let it, so I'm not going to let it!

WEEK 18-2: Short Circuits

Today I participated in a seminar on circuit training. The poster for the seminar advertised it would teach beginners how to combat holiday overeating and stress using free weights in 45-60 second intervals. When I read, "free weights in 45-60 second intervals", I thought, "piece of cake". I expected I'd get a light strength workout, about on par with a weight-lifting session on the machines, and I'd be prepared to counteract the imminent holiday excesses.

As it happened, the seminar had nothing to do with holiday overeating or stress. I could use what they taught me when I've been overeating or feel stressed, but then I could use any number of exercises in those situations.

And as it happens, circuit training is a combination of cardio and strength training. Light workout? Oh, no. We stair-climbed, jogged, squatted, lunged, pushed up, dipped, chest-pressed, bicep-curled, tricep-extended, rowed, crunched, sat up, balanced, and repeated until I "felt the burn" and sweated out at least a pound!

Sure, each exercise took only 45 seconds, but then it was immediately on to the next station, so it was non-stop exercise for 45 minutes. But I made it! And I have Jillian to thank for it.

When the contestants on The Biggest Loser are shown doing their workouts, I often think some of them seem kind of weak and whiny. Even when I was at my couch-potato worst, I secretly believed I wouldn't be such a crybaby and give up as easily as some do. And it's true, now that I'm working out so much, I'm a dynamo and generally power through my exercise. But this circuit training was different; I was working so much harder and on such weaker muscles that I really wanted to quit so many times. But then I would picture Jillian barking at her trainees and it would remind me not to be so soft, and I would keep going.

I may not be winning $250,000 and I still may have trouble with holiday overeating and stress, but today's experience does have me feeling like a giant lose-er (in the best possible way!).

WEEK 18: Thankful to Be Thinner

This year has been one of incredible growth and progress for me, not the least of which has been my work on the Beck Diet Solution program. Before I found Dr. Beck's guidance, I had lost about 40 lbs., and with her help, I've lost an additional 25 lbs. as of today!

I have at least another 35 lbs. to lose, but I want to take a moment to give thanks for how much "less" I have this year. I don't have the words (or Kleenex) for how happy I am to be so much smaller and stronger and prouder of myself. But I am so thankful.

I also am mindful of how easy it would be to undo all the hard work I've done. With Thanksgiving at T-3 days, the risks are even greater, so I've come up with a plan to remain in the 160s for next week's weigh-in (which is also a contest weigh-in!).

The first step in my plan is controlling my eating at the Thanksgiving table. I'm hosting this year, so I got to set the menu (which seemed smart for my first "thin" Thanksgiving, but I'm already regretting the extra work). This being my favorite holiday, I'm allowing myself to splurge a little, while trying to keep it from getting out of control.

My original plan was to limit myself to a single serving of everything on the table. Then I figured out the calorie count:

• turkey breast, 240 calories
• stuffing, 213 calories
• cranberry sauce, 110 calories
• mashed potatoes, 153 calories
• maple butternut squash, 224 calories
• steamed snap peas, 40 calories
• spinach salad with dried cranberries, feta cheese, and raspberry vinaigrette, 224 calories
• whole wheat dinner roll with butter, 225
• sweet potato biscuit with butter, 310
• slice of French silk chocolate pie, 476
• slice of apple pie, 359
• slice of pumpkin-raisin cake with cream cheese frosting, 186 calories

The grand total? 2,760 calories. Two-thousand-seven-hundred-and-sixty! That's more than 2-days' worth of calories. Even if I eat nothing else all day, I'm still doubling my daily allowance of calories!

I tried rationalizing that I deserved such a special day after all my hard work, and it was a close thing, but reason prevailed. Because realistically? I doubt I could put away that much food in one sitting anymore, even if a French chef had a funnel shoved down my throat.

So the revised plan is to limit myself to 1 plateful of food. I'll still have turkey and all the fixings, but just reasonable tastes. And I may skip dessert altogether. Well, realistically again, if it meant instant death by explosion, I would probably still force down a slice of my fabulous pumpkin-raisin cake with cream cheese frosting. So I'll limit myself to a small slice of cake.

Here's hoping this compromise will keep my diet on track while allowing me some pleasure on this festive occasion. In addition, I'll be working to keep my diet on track the other 6 days this week by continuing to read my ARC and Response Cards.

But diet is only half the battle; I'll also be defending on the exercise front. The second step in my plan is to exercise every day this week, except for Thursday*. That means working out on Saturday and Sunday, which are sometimes optional for me. But not this time! I'm dedicated to not gaining any weight this week!

*I'm not scheduling exercise on Thanksgiving because I don't want to set myself up for failure. However, I have a feeble dream that I can convince a few people to go for an amble around the neighborhood after (maybe way after) dinner.

I already know I'll be missing one class (for dinner with friends in town for the holiday), so I'm going to replace it with a long walk that afternoon. I'm also adding a free-weights seminar (which is specifically targeted at remedying holiday overeating and stress). With the addition of the Saturday step aerobics class and a Sunday walk, that will be 9 opportunities to work off my Thanksgiving excesses.

In a nutshell then, the plan is:

• Control my eating by:
• Following my Thanksgiving food plan of 1 plate with little tastes of everything and no more than 1 slice of cake for dessert
  
• Reading my ARC and Response Cards every day
  
• Exercise every day but Thursday
  

And if the plan is successful, next week I should see more beautiful, awe-inspiring, wonderful, joyful-tears-inducing, fantabulous results like this:

WEEK 17: Recap

I'm not holding out a lot of hope for tomorrow's weigh-in. As usual, I've been stepping on the scale almost every day to see how I'm doing, and it's been a little up and down. I did see 168.5 (which caused me to do a happy dance all around the bathroom) but this morning I was back over 170.

I had hoped to fit in some exercise today (my "last-chance workout"), but the time got a way from me. Still, my exercise this week has been good, so maybe it will be good news tomorrow.

Plus my dieting has been great! In addition to my pie-resistance yesterday, I talked myself out of having pie for breakfast this morning! Once again, my desire to see the 160s on the scale tomorrow was more important than a sugary treat. However, that mindset -- that pie for breakfast is even an option -- is a dangerous one this close to the bingefest that is Thanksgiving. Thinking that way for even a moment makes it all the more disappointing that I didn't achieve two of my goals this week.

My conflict over being thin and binging because of it do seem to be under control, which is how I rationalized never getting around to using the 7 Question Technique or the Mindset Techniques. But however much I seem to be in control now, I have to be prepared for the future. A future that is 4 days away and counting...

So I may be celebrating after tomorrow's weigh-in, or I may not. But whatever happens, it's time to get ready to face Tom Turkey and his Carb Compatriots.

WEEK 17-6: Saint Beck Diet Girl

A neighbor of mine has an overproductive apple tree, so she hosted an apple-pie-making party. Despite how good I've been on my diet this week, I didn't have a lot of faith in my pie-denial abilities, but I still wanted to go to the party and have a good time. So, to offset any pie-related slip-ups in the afternoon, I went to a morning step aerobics class at my gym.

I never go to the gym on weekends, mostly because the classes are scheduled too early. But today I got up 2 hours early to go to that class. Another reason I don't go to the gym on weekends is because the too-early classes are also at a higher intensity than I'm accustomed to. But today I took an advanced step aerobics class and kept up with no problems. Really, could sainthood be far behind?

But, wait, there's more! When I walked into the party, the scent of baking apples and cinnamon enfolded me like a long-lost love. Oh, it smelled delicious! Several people had already finished their pies and they were available for sampling -- a smorgasbord of deep dish apple pie, crumble apple pie, apple brown betty, apple raisin pie, apple cranberry pie, apple walnut pie, all of it warm and gooey and heavenly. And right alongside the pies were party snacks, including a sinful selection of cheeses, accompanying crackers, some potato chips, and a vegetable and hummus tray.

I had come to the party directly from the gym and prepared to have a little something to eat. But faced with all those pies and all that cheese, I found myself thinking how much I'd rather see a low number on the scale Monday than have any of those tempting foods! So instead I stuck with some carrots and hummus and was quite happy.

Surely these miracles are the first step in my canonization! But I am still human... I succumbed to making my own pie, then brought it home to bake (there's nothing homier than the fragrance of an apple pie in the oven). Then I had a slice for dessert after dinner, but it was part of my food plan, so I'm still on the side of the angels!

WEEK 17-5: We're Just Good Friends

Exercise has been a little tricky to work into my schedule this week. I made it to both of my Monday classes but couldn't fit in Tuesday's or Wednesday's. Then I made it to Thursday's but skipped today's. I replaced the missed classes with hour-long walks, but I'm feeling bereft without those classes.

Perhaps the most incredible change the Beck Diet Solution has made in me is an affinity for exercise. I wouldn't say I love it now (I'm still me, after all), but I've come to accept, truly and completely, that exercise is a necessary evil. I've come so far that it hardly even seems evil -- a necessary chore, then.

I've always known exercise was necessary to losing weight and to good health in general, but I lived in a kind of denial where "But I don't like it" and "I'd rather watch TV over a pint of Ben & Jerry's" were perfectly legitimate excuses not to exercise. And then I willfully ignored the relationship between my enlarging body and my sedentary existence...

Dr. Beck put a stop to that nonsense by repeating, gently but consistently, that exercise is vital to diet success. It's even the focus of both Day 9 and Day 39. She's right, I know it, and now I can't keep pretending to myself. But I got all the way to accepting exercise as a "necessary chore" with the help of the Oh, well principle. It's amazing how much power those 2 little words hold!

Of course it also helps that I'm far enough along now that I can see the direct results of exercising, which is a powerful motivation to keep going. Having others notice the difference is great too; today an acquaintance I hadn't seen in months described me as "slender". Me! Slender! That, I love!

So here I am, going to the gym almost every day and missing it when I can't go. It may not be a love affair, but it's looking like a lifelong friendship!

WEEK 17: Progress Report

My first goal (reading my ARC and Response Cards) is going well -- I've read them every day this week so far. I'm pretty impressed with myself that I'm finally doing it after meaning to for the last 10 weeks!

But now all those cards don't seem as relevant as they did in the first 6 weeks. In the beginning of the Beck Diet Solution program, my ARC and Response Cards were what kept me motivated and strong. Now I'm reflecting on how my reasons to lose weight have mostly been satisfied, which is why the ARC lacks some of its original punch, but also I don't suffer as much from sabotaging thoughts, so the helpful responses aren't as momentous anymore either.

Of course, I've had cause to reflect that if I'd been reading certain Response Cards all along, I might have avoided last weekend's disasters.

It was reading all of my Response Cards every day of the first 6 weeks that kept me so strong and focused on the program. Even if I didn't have a particular sabotaging thought on a given day, reviewing the helpful responses over and over and over brainwashed me into "thinking like a thin person". And that's what stopped me from having those sabotaging thoughts in the first place! Kind of like preventive medicine, I guess. Well, it's good to be self-medicating again!

And if my ARC and Response Cards seem meaningless, reading them still seems to be working. I haven't been feeling the need to overeat, nor am I worrying as much about the scary consequences of being a thin person. Still, I should work on my other goals for this week (using the 7-Question Technique and Mindset Technique) so my weight doesn't get away from me again at future weigh-ins...

WEEK 17-3: Happy Birthday!, Part I

Tonight I celebrated my birthday for the first time this year, even though it's still a few weeks away.

I am a firm believer that if you celebrate no other holidays, you should still celebrate your birthday. It's not about being another year older (and closer to death...) but a time of thanksgiving that you, a unique package of talents, experiences, and qualities, came into existence. How can you not celebrate that?

However, Dr. Beck makes a good point about changing the way we celebrate to maintain our diet goals. Does every birthday party have to include a 1,000-calorie slice of cake? Will I be less happy to be alive if I don't toast myself with gallons of champagne? Can I look forward to another year without 3 different birthday celebrations?

Well, no, no, and still no. I do like a party, and ones in my honor are the bestest, so I will celebrate as often as my friends will support! But I can celebrate sensibly (despite what an oxymoron that seems like), which is what I did tonight at a birthday dinner in my honor.

I knew which restaurant we'd be going to so I was able to plan my menu in advance and then concentrate on celebrating with good friends and lively conversation instead of lots of food and drink. And I did it! I had a lovely time even though I ate only 1/2 my entree, forewent a cocktail, and replaced birthday cake with low-fat (but sinfully delicious) gelato. I did splurge by eating some garlic bread; it was a present to myself for abstaining from all that other bread this year, and it might have been the best present so far!

I'm really proud of myself for celebrating responsibly, especially because it'll be easier now at my next celebration. And best of all: no morning-after sugar hangover!

WEEK 17-2: When, Not If

I've read my ARC and Response Cards two days in a row now, an impressive track record to my mind.

It was a chore just finding the cards; they were in my Beck Diet Solution book, which I haven't looked at in about 10 weeks. So it was quite the success getting so far as to hold them in my hands. However, I wasn't successful soon enough; my resolve was weak yesterday afternoon and I polished off 2 more of those @$%* cookies, before I found the strength to get rid of them. Since then, I've been reading the cards and if they aren't helping, they're sure not hurting: my diet has been on track and I'm getting in my exercise too.

The thing I'm noticing about my reasons for losing weight is that I used to read them by mentally starting with the phrase, If I lost weight, then... Reading them that way now has me thinking to myself, But I have lost weight! Even though I'm still far from my goal weight, I can't help thinking that I've achieved each and every one of my goals to one degree or another. For instance, I'm already able to wear pretty clothes, I already look more attractive, and I've already been asked out on a date. My body is so much more physically fit, and my self-esteem is at an all-time high. I'm even happier when I look in the mirror, and others can't stop commenting on how much I've changed.

So what I need to focus on now is not "if I lose weight" but "when I lose all the weight". On that happy day I can, without reservation, check off goals like looking better in pictures, eliminating back pain, and not being embarrassed when I'm naked. And until then, I'll be reading my ARC and Response Cards to stay strong and motivated!

WEEK 17: Humble Pie With a Side of Nuts

For the first time in 4 months, I've gained weight.

Realistically, I knew this day had to come sooner or later, but still I feel devastated because it wouldn't have been today if I hadn't completely lost my mind this weekend.

I still don't know what I was thinking going into that party with no diet plan whatsoever. That was a foolish (and costly) mistake. Maybe it was borne from my hubris over consistently losing weight for so long and getting so small?

Unfortunately, I'm afraid I know what I was thinking when I was eating those cookies. I had the conscious thought, "These cookies are so good and the damage is already done, so what are a thousand more calories?" And I know better than to believe that nonsense. But I think I also had the unconscious thought that I could "protect" myself by eating those cookies, because I fear being thin and having to deal with the the unfamiliar ramifications of that. I hate that I can still feel that way, after all the hard work I've done this year. Clearly I have more work to do.

Putting these disasters into perspective, I gained only 1/2 lb., which is so much less than I expected. And I learned important lessons about myself and about my dieting efforts that will help me improve on both. To that end, my goals this week are to:

• read my ARC and Response Cards every day this week
• use the 7 Question Technique to resolve my fears about being thin and successful
  
• use the Mindset Techniques to prevent any more "protective" binges

WEEK 16: Recap

What happened?

I started off this week so full of hope and resolve, and I kept it up for most of the week, meeting my weekly goal and even getting a peek at the promised land.

And then I hosted that rotten party. Sure, it seemed like fun at the time, but I did so much damage to my diet yesterday, it would have been hard to bounce back by tomorrow. Of course now it will be even harder because I made a behemoth of a boo-boo...

I started off today still full from yesterday (that's how bad it was!) and full of resolve to get in a good walk to counteract some of the damage. And I was doing really well with my diet, even resisting the bastard who kept trying to push cheesecake down my throat.

But then I got cozy on the couch in front of the TV and missed my last chance to go for a walk before tomorrow's weigh-in. I rationalized I would stay up late and put in some time on my rowing machine instead or pull out that pilates equipment or run through my step aerobics routine. Did I do any of those things? Oh, no, I did not.

Not only did I not do any of those things, I did something horrible. I had a cookie. A giant cookie slathered with buttercream frosting. And then I had another one. And another one. And another one. And then ANOTHER one. The only reason I stopped there was because I thought my stomach might literally burst open. If there's any bright spot to this disaster, it's the proof that I've come such a long way that I just can't binge like I used to. But that bright spot is very, very dim.

I really let myself down today. Skipping the much-needed exercise was bad enough, then making such a foolish decision to eat a stupid cookie made it worse. But to keep eating them, even as I thought to myself, You're just making it worse for tomorrow's weigh-in...

What happened?

WEEK 16-6: Loose Lips Build Hips

I may have celebrated too soon...

A gourmet grocery store just opened up practically next door to where I live, so this afternoon I hosted a potluck tasting party. It was kind of a crash course in what's good at the store because everyone brought an item to sample.

I ate a lot. A LOT. In fact, I didn't eat anything else all day but what I ate during the party, and I am so stuffed still that I can barely walk upright.

I knew this tasting party would be a challenge (most people's contributions were heavy on the calories and fat), but I failed to really prepare myself for it. I went into the party with the idea that I would have just a harmless little taste of everything that appealed to me, but that went right out the window almost immediately. I crammed in so much yumminess with almost no thought at all about the Beck Diet Solution -- even though I talked about the program with a couple of people!

It's disappointing that I abandoned my "thin-thinking" so easily -- and so disastrously; I did a lot of damage that may not be undone in time for the next weigh-in...

WEEK 16-5: Happy Happy Joy Joy Ouch!

Yay, I met my goal this week by going to 9 classes in 5 days!

OK, well, technically I didn't go to one of the classes. Not all the way anyway. I left the house late and the errand I had to run before my Tuesday class took longer than it should have and then parking was unusually tricky, so I didn't get to the gym until the class was half over. I debated whether it was worth going in for the last 25 minutes and ultimately decided I would do better to replace the class with a 60-minute walk. And then I went for that walk! So I'm definitely counting that as a "class" and congratulating myself on meeting my goal this week.

Then, because I'm too curious and impatient to wait another 3 days to find out if I'm going to break the 170 barrier, I weighed myself...

Well, let's just say that I'm 169 going to be officially happy on Monday! I started practicing my happy dance today, as much as my still-sore muscles would let me. Fortunately, a rubdown and 10-minute soak in the hot tub have greatly improved the situation, but there's still room for more improvement (ow, Ow, OW!).

I also did some pre-celebrating by allowing myself to be talked into splitting a chocolate-frosted cream-filled eclair with a friend. How insane is it to celebrate losing weight by stuffing myself with a gazillion calories and fat grams? Pretty darn insane. And then I didn't even like it after the first couple of bites -- it was too much sugar and too much food, period, so not the best celebration ever.

Well, the celebration will be better when it's official on Monday!

WEEK 16: Progress Report

I'm doing it, I am on track to complete my weekly goal, meaning I'm also on track to see the 160s on Monday and win the weigh-in in my weight-loss contest!

I have only 1 more class to make this week, and I think I'll be able to do it, despite how sore I continue to be. The muscle pain has spread from my thighs up into my glutes, hips, and lower back, so I'm walking like an old woman. And heaven forbid I drop anything, because bending or kneeling is at least a five-minute procedure (making me doubly regretful for how clumsy I am).

But still, it's not a bad pain. I'm not enjoying the soreness (I'm not a masochist), but I'm enduring it and working through it with a sense of righteousness, with the knowledge I'm doing the right thing even when it feels so wrong. That resolve and pride are thanks to the Beck Diet Solution, and I continue to be grateful for the life-changing lessons of Dr. Beck's book.

WEEK 16-3: Pride Goeth Before A Weak Muscle

I was feeling quietly smug about how strong I feel and how toned I look these days. I can lift 20-lb. cat food bags with ease, my collarbone is so defined you could slice bread with it, and my thighs are so hard you might believe the flesh and bone had been replaced with some bionic component.

But I was confusing strong with stronger. It's true I'm not as weak as I used to be and I am more toned, but I have been humbled to discover how much further I have to go to reach "strong".

I'm taking a workshop on developing my core muscles, and after just 2 meetings I'm in a world of hurt I never would have believed in.

The first time we focused on exercises for the transverse abdominals (basically the muscular girdle around the midsection). The hardest was an Ab Pike, which we started with on a towel on the floor instead of on a stability ball. I was so weak I couldn't support myself on my arms with my legs extended (as in a push-up position), so I dropped to my knees (as in a girl push-up position). Even then, as I pulled my hips up and dropped them back again, my arms couldn't take the strain and I had to drop to my elbows. Even then, my core got such a work-out that 2 days later, every cough or laugh still makes me wince in pain.

After that session, I was convinced I was an utter weakling and I wasn't sure I was fit enough to even continue the workshop. But I persevered and went back for the second session which featured punishing my quadriceps. We did lunges and squats until I thought my thighs might burst into flames! And then I went to a step aerobics class!

That last paragraph could serve as an exhibit at my commitment hearing, but the continued exercise was actually a good thing. It kept my sore muscles from freezing up, so even though I'm still in a little pain now, it's nothing compared to a few hours ago and my legs are feeling loose and flexible.

But I still won't be leaping any buildings in a single bound for a long time to come.

WEEK 16-2: Waste Not, Lose Not

In my family, wasting food is just not done. You eat what you take, period, end of sentence. (And of course we all have weight problems.) So the 17th step of the Beck Diet Solution was a challenge for me; the idea of throwing away perfectly good food just doesn't sit right with me.

I've made adjustments though, dividing restaurant meals in half and asking for a doggie bag or giving away leftovers at the end of a party. The hard part has been when there's just a little bit of food left over: too little for anyone to wrap up and take home but too much to finish on the spot. That food seems destined for the garbage can, and the taboo against waste is so strong...

But I threw away food today! Such a weird thing to celebrate, but it is a big accomplishment for me. It was only 4 butternut squash fries (baked and deliciously nutritious!), but everyone was full and it seemed silly to wrap up 4 little fries... I debated stuffing them into my mouth instead of the garbage can -- just 4 measly fries -- but I was full. And I was strong, so into the garbage they went!

Small triumphs like this one are really BIG HUGE DEALS because they keep me strong, keep me motivated. And that keeps me smaller and smaller and prouder and prouder.

WEEK 16: Knocking on Heaven's Door

Proof positive that exercise makes all the difference to my weight-loss effort: giving my all in my classes last week burned off another 2 1/2 lbs! Now not only can I taste the 160s, I can see them from here (in fact, I was tempted to run around the block a few hundred times, reweigh myself, and finally see a six in that tens column, but reason prevailed).

But I am counting on seeing 169 or better next week (no measly 1/2 lb. loss is going to keep me from the Promised Land!), so my goal this week is to keep up the exercise. I want to make it to all 7 of my regularly scheduled gym classes, as well as the 2 sessions of a core training seminar being offered this week.

Then next Monday I'll have three reasons to celebrate: meeting my weekly goal, winning that weight-loss contest (surely!), and being the smallest I've ever been. I can hardly wait!

WEEK 15: Recap

I'm trying to keep up my enthusiasm, but it's being crushed under a wave of stress. Too many things to do, not enough time to do half of them.

Dr. Beck addressed scheduling time for dieting and reducing stress to improve dieting, and now that I reread my posts on those topics, I am torn between finding inspiration in them and snorting at the impossibility of fitting another task in my day. As it is, all I'm doing is working, sleeping, exercising, and blogging, and I'm just barely keeping up. I can't really afford to cut any of those things, but my participation in NaBloPoMo would be the first to go...

This stress is likely to be short-term though, so for now I'm just gritting my teeth, hoping to get through it, and trying to be calm about the negative effect on my diet. I just don't need diet stress on top of all the other stress!

With that in mind, I'm trying to give myself a break about the progress on my goals this week. For instance, I completely missed my teeny-weeny first goal of breaking out the pilates equipment. It just didn't happen.

My second goal of going to all 7 classes at the gym and really putting myself into them went better. I missed only 1 of the classes, and I really worked hard at the rest, so I'm counting this goal as successfully met.

My monster-sized third goal is an on-going project. Some days I did really well at stifling the urge to binge, but a couple of days I gave in and stuffed my face with gelato. I'm trying to convince myself that it could have been much worse so I shouldn't beat myself up too much.

A nice loss tomorrow would help me feel better about my progress this week. I'm so close to the 160s I can taste them... And I wouldn't mind binging on those elusive numbers!

WEEK 15-6: Have a Seat!

Sitting while eating is proving a more challenging habit than the first time around. Since a lot of my eating today was squeezed in around other tasks, I found myself forgetting several times and getting up to walk around and do other things as I ate. I really do need to start reading my Response Cards again; that daily affirmation helped me keep up with so many good habits.

Unfortunately, there's no time for Response Cards today. I'm plowing through a lot of work, so even exercise is looking like a no-go today. I've got a lot of work to finish in a short amount of time, so exercise and dieting in general are going to be on the back burner for a few days.

Even more unfortunately, I did find time for gelato today. It was dulce de leche and it was so gooood. It filled me up and still I was fantasizing about another scoop. That's the good news anyway; that second scoop was only a fantasy!

WEEK 15-5: A Moment on the Lips...

Today I finished working on one goal by going to my exercise class and continued working on another goal by trying to control my eating. That darn pilates equipment is still in the box though.

I seem to have the "splurge" mentality back under control, but I noticed today that I'm eating standing up more often and it's definitely taking me back to the days when I didn't think about everything I put in my mouth. For instance, I'm eating a lot of gelato samples and not thinking about them -- and those little spoonfuls add up to a lot of calories.

Now that I've noticed this backslide, I can start the uphill climb again. Just reminding myself to eat everything sitting down should get me on top of this again. And avoiding the gelato wouldn't hurt either (well, not very much anyway).

BDS NaBloPoMo

I'm not having a stroke; the title is my announcement that I am blogging about the Beck Diet Solution every day this month as part of National Blog Posting Month.

I have often thought of participating in the original National Novel Writing Month but never quite got up the steam. But maybe if I take the smaller step of blogging every day for a month, I can work up to writing a whole novel in a month. Maybe.

In any event, a daily focus on my diet efforts should give them just the boost I need to get through the upcoming holidays and their attendant excesses.

Already I'm off to a great start because I survived Halloween with no candy whatsoever. No thanks to my gym, where they were handing out treats at my step aerobics class yesterday...

WEEK 15: Progress Report

Some important progress this week, an early failure, and plenty left to do!

So far I'm meeting my most important goal of not letting my "splurge" thoughts get the better of me. Monday was an especially hard day on this task, but I kept my thoughts from turning into actions and my eating was pretty good that day. Each successive day has been a little bit easier (although still not easy). But it's true what Dr. Beck says about the resistance muscle, so I will get on top of this problem eventually.

My second goal of getting to all my exercise classes this week ended on the second day. I figured out I would have to miss my class on Tuesday (I still haven't perfected being in two places at once), but I promised myself I would take a long walk to make up for it. But when I got home, it was so cold, and I was so sleepy... I got as far as putting on my sweat pants and sneakers and then I gave up and curled up in bed.

That failure was a disappointment, but I've been doing well with the second part of that goal (putting effort into my classes). I've been working out much harder and focusing more on the exercise than on watching the clock. It's amazing how much faster the time goes this way! Last week, when I wasn't really engaged in the exercise, I would check the clock every time I got bored and I was looking every 1-2 minutes (and on one occasion, it seemed as if the clock had moved backwards!). This week, when I'm concentrating on my form and feeling the muscles work, the classes don't seem as long and drawn-out and they're more enjoyable.

My first goal still needs work (I've got 4 more days!) and I'll need to keep up with my other two goals, but I'm feeling more encouraged about all of it. It helps that when I stepped on the scale this morning, I was down another 1/2 lb!

It also helps that for 3 classes in a row now, someone has congratulated me on my weight loss. There was the angry lady, then a woman who wanted to know what I was eating, and today the grandmotherly one who whispered to me (as if it might be a shameful secret I was unaware of) that I was losing weight. When I responded positively, she brightened and told me I was doing a wonderful job. Then she asked me what my secret is. It's funny how all three women asked about "my secret", as if more exercise and less eating were an exotic idea!

What's fabulous is how all of them independently offered support right now, when I really need it. Bless them!

WEEK 15: I Am the Tortoise (goo goo g'joob)

Another 1/2 pound gone this week. I'm disappointed at not seeing a bigger number of course, but I have to consider myself lucky to have lost at all after last week's lapses.

I'd like to commit to a bigger number at next week's weigh-in, but I don't want my focus to be on the scale. Yes, I want the scale to give me positive feedback, but it's more important that my exercise and eating are appropriate.

So my first goal for this week is to use my pilates kit at least once. Baby steps!

My second goal is to attend all 7 classes at the Y this week and really put some effort into them.

My third goal is the most important, but I'm not sure how to make it work.

I've noticed that I'm slipping back into my old pattern of thinking I only have to be "good" for a short period of time and then I can relax and "celebrate". For instance, today was the first weigh-in for my weight-loss contest. I was worried before the weigh-in, again because of last week, but I kept thinking that once I got over that hurdle, I could cut loose and "treat" myself to some extra calories. This mindset didn't do me any favors in the past, and with the holidays almost upon us... I am afraid, I am very, very afraid. It doesn't help that I'm hosting Thanksgiving this year and when planning the menu, I keep adding more and more of my favorite foods and fantasizing about stuffing my face until I pop.

Clearly I must get myself back under control. Any time it would be dangerous to give myself permission to splurge, but right now, on the brink of Thanksgiving, my birthday, and then Christmas... In 2 short months, I could easily undo all the progress of this summer!

So my third goal this week is to curb this dangerous thinking, but I'm not sure how to do it. For now, I'm staying aware of it and fighting it in the moment.

Something that could help is the weight-loss contest. In today's weigh-in, I won! But it was because my friend gained weight in the last two weeks, not necessarily because I did so well. But now that she's $25 poorer and probably more motivated to lose in the next two weeks, I need to step up my efforts too. Because turtling along at 1/2-lb. losses is not going to win me the race!

WEEK 14: Recap

This was another week on the roller coaster: I was feeling up, I was feeling down, I was doing well, I was crashing and burning...

I did meet my primary goal of keeping up with my exercise. In letter, if not in spirit since I was phoning it in sometimes. But I rededicated myself in the middle of the week, and it helped.

What helped more was the woman in one of my exercise classes who commented on my weight loss and asked how I was doing it. I gave credit to the Y, telling her I was attending classes almost every day. She got an angry look on her face and protested, "But I come to classes 4 days a week!" Maybe that's true, but it's no mystery why she looks to be the same size as when I met her 8 months ago: she shows up for class about halfway through, stands at the back visiting with her friends while mostly standing still, then leaves early! So even though it was a struggle not to laugh in her face, I was glad of the reminder that I have to exercise to lose weight!

My secondary goal of keeping my eating under control was threatened yet again by those damn cupcakes. I hosted another party this weekend, where I served the rest of the cupcakes. And I was so good during the party! I had eaten dinner right before it started, so I was full and able to resist the cupcakes as well as all the other temptations people had brought to share. It was really hard, but I was so, so good during the party. Then after the party, I managed to get rid of all the leftovers except for the last three cupcakes... They should have gone directly into the garbage right then and there, but I was weak, the cupcakes were strong, and I ate one. And then I ate another. And then I found my spine and threw the last one in the garbage.

So with the lackluster gym performance and diet slip-ups, I'm worried about the scale tomorrow. The numbers throughout the week have been consistently high, although that could be misleading because I keep forgetting to weigh myself until late in the evening. Still, even discounting a pound or two, that number is not pretty...

WEEK 14: Progress Report

The report is progress is good. So far.

I've made it to the gym every day this week but it's been hard. I feel as if I'm just going through the motions in my classes, and that's not going to do me much good. Is it boredom? If so, it'll be a challenge to find new (and effective) ways of exercising.

Instead of completely revamping my exercise schedule, I think I'll start with some small changes. A while ago, I picked up an at-home exercise system, so maybe it's about time I took it out of the box and tried some new exercise!

The second part of my goal, keeping my eating under control, has hit a small snag though. I was doing well until a birthday dinner the other night. I was great at the dinner and resisted the delicious birthday cupcakes with no effort whatsoever. But I made those cupcakes and still had half the batch sitting at home. I had counted on them being as easy to resist as the last times, but I was wrong. Last night, I decided that one cupcake wasn't going to hurt me, and that seemed like a fine idea. But then a second one seemed like a fine idea too, and it was down the hatch before I'd even stopped to think.

So I stopped to think: 2 cupcakes were more than enough and it was time to stop. I put the rest out of sight (hoping for out of mind). I also reminded myself the first contest weigh-in is a few days away and the momentary pleasure of a cupcake wasn't worth losing $25. I even thought of Dr. Beck's teachings: a small mistake is better than a big mistake.

Still, I went back and had a third cupcake. I don't know what got into me! It's been a long, long, l-o-n-g time since my will power so completely evaporated. But I've managed to get back on track, so that's the important thing. After that third cupcake, I flossed and brushed my teeth, and then I wrote out a food plan for today. I didn't want history to repeat itself!

I even considered throwing the remaining cupcakes away, to ensure they wouldn't tempt me, but that seemed just too wasteful. It is true that it's better to waste food in the garbage than in my body, but I'm hoping it won't come to either one. And so far, so good. I'm sticking to my food plan, and this is the first I've thought about those cupcakes. And I'm not even tempted!

Now, that's progress.