DAY 13: Jonesing for a Fix

I needed to read this step 3 months ago when my cravings took charge and I put on 20+ pounds again. *sigh* Still, it's good that I'm reading it now, because I have by no means cured my addiction to calories.

Last time, I never really got to test the Anti-Craving Strategies Dr. Beck prescribes, because I never really had any cravings until I started giving myself carte blanche to eat whatever, whenever. This time, however, I suspect these strategies will be getting quite the workout. And just reading them every day on the Response Card I've recreated goes a long way to reinforcing my positive behaviors.

Two more Response Cards from this step also help, so I've recreated them as well:

Sabotaging Thought: The next time I have a craving, I won't be able to tolerate it.
Helpful Response: I couldn't tolerate cravings in the past, but now I have lots of anti-craving techniques that I can use, which will make the craving go away. Besides, the discomfort of cravings is mild compared to the discomfort I felt when I had cancer. I survived that, and I can certainly survive cravings.

Sabotaging Thought: The next time I have a craving I won't want to control myself.
Helpful Response: I can keep reminding myself that I don't want to be at the mercy of my cravings forever. To get rid of them, I'm always going to have to do one of 2 things: either give in and never lose the weight I want or use the anti-craving techniques so often that I just won't have many cravings anymore. Once I find out these techniques really work, I'll be able to wait out my cravings so much more easily. I'll be glad when I get to the point where I don't have to be worried when I go to a party or eat out. I'll know for sure that I can tolerate these urges.

With Dr. Beck's help, I will soon learn to "Just Say No" once again.

CREDIT ACCOUNT: $6

DAY 12: Nothing for Me, Thanks

Today's task was easy-peasy, adding to the total perfection that was me today!

Skipping lunch was easy; I barely noticed it and was hardly hungry at all. Plus, it allowed me to splurge a bit, putting the skipped lunch calories toward a dessert of strawberry gelato. Mmmmm.

Plus, I had resolved to go to my exercise class today even if it was only to stand there like a lump. Not only did I go to class and really put my all into it, I walked to the gym too! Planned exercise and spontaneous exercise, done! And I'm so proud of myself.

Getting my diet and exercise right? Now that's a good day.

CREDIT ACCOUNT: $6

DAY 11: Charted Territory

The first time through, I thought this was an unnecessary step, and I still think so, so I didn't really do it. I did reread the chapter and my blog entries, and throughout the day, I thought about my hunger levels. I learned pretty much the same thing as last time: I'm rarely hungry and I eat because it's "time" or because of mouth hunger. I am sticking to my diet though and successfully fighting cravings. And the thing is, if I waited until I was hungry, I'd hardly ever eat. So I've resolved that Dr. Beck is overstating things when she predicts learning to eat only when you're hungry is the only way to succeed when you reach the maintenance stage. Everybody's different, I guess.

I, however, am the same as I was yesterday, and the day before, and the day before that, and... Which is to say, I didn't exercise again today. I knew I would miss my gym class (I had a conflicting event), but when it came time to go for a walk instead, I still didn't wanna. I can't figure out what's behind this new reluctance to exercise; I just feel like sitting on the couch instead of moving my body. I'm wondering if my calorie limitations right now are too strict and robbing me of my energy. But I'm even more reluctant to start eating more. So for now, I'm promising to go to my class tomorrow, even if I don't move a muscle while I'm there. Showing up is half the battle!

CREDIT ACCOUNT: $5

DAY 10: And It's Good!

Goal setting is important, which is why I did it back at the start of this go-round. My doctor's appointment is 12 days away, and I'm still trying to lose as much weight as possible before that weigh-in. "As much as possible" is a vague goal, so I suppose I'll be happy if I get back into the 170s by then. Right now, that's less than 5 pounds away, so I'm feeling pretty good about this goal.

Then there's my bigger goal, which is to get back to my low point of 163.5 pounds. If I can keep up my motivation, I foresee meeting that goal by the official start of summer.

And then there's the mother of all goals: hit my target weight before the end of the year. From where I'm standing, that looks totally doable, but it's going to take a lot of hard work and determination.

Unfortunately, I've lost my determination to exercise. I woke up this morning with a sore back (after dreaming of moving boxes all night, oddly enough), so I used that as an excuse to skip my first gym class. And when it came time to make up my second gym class with a walk, I just didn't wanna. Not cool.

Fortunately, I am rocking my diet and meal planning! Cravings, schmavings, and it's showing on the scale. If I got my butt in gear and got moving, that scale could have even nicer things to say to me...

CREDIT ACCOUNT: $5

DAY 9: Let's Get Physical

Today's step is the key to success for me. Even if I did everything else on the Beck Diet Solution to perfection but skipped the exercise, I don't believe I would lose a lot of weight. In fact, it's possible I could do nothing else on the Beck Diet Solution but exercise and lose a lot of weight. The thing is, I need all the other stuff to inspire me to exercise.

That said, I seem to have lost some inspiration. Last week I was exercising a minimum of twice a day. This week? Nothing. I was too lazy to go to my gym classes yesterday, and today I had a conflicting event with my class and now I'm too tired for a make-up walk. Not a good start... What's worse, I know I have conflicting events for one class tomorrow and on Thursday, so I'm going to have to work harder to get in some make-up exercise. Otherwise, here's my exercise plan (which had wonderful results last week!):

• water walking class - 3 times a week
• step aerobics class - 3 times a week
• aqua circuit class - 2 times a week
• walk with a friend - 1 time a week
  

When circumstances do prevent me from attending a class, the plan is to substitute an hour-long walk around my neighborhood or 30 minutes on my rowing machine, thereby covering my planned exercise.

As for spontaneous exercise, that's become an old habit with me. I'm always parking far away, taking the stairs, and using down-time to go for a walk. Every little bit helps, although a little bit doesn't look like much on the scale...

CREDIT ACCOUNT: $5

DAY 8: Time for a Diet

On this second time through the Beck Diet Solution, I'm rereading each Day of my first time through, and compared to last time, today didn't go so well.

Today started off fantastically. It was (unofficial) weigh-in day, and I lost 3 pounds! I actually jumped for joy when I saw those numbers on the scale.

I couldn't have lost the weight without the exceedingly hard work I put into my diet last week, and part of that work was fighting cravings. One of the ways I fight cravings is to tell myself I can't have what I crave right now. Telling myself "no, absolutely not" can be too hard, so if I tell myself "yes, but later", it's easier to let the craving pass. And when later comes, I probably won't want it anymore, so win-win.

But last week, my craving for bread was so strong that I told myself if I worked really hard, I could reward myself with bread after the weigh-in. This promise was all I could think of yesterday, and I'm not sure I would have made it through without it. But this morning, riding the high of my weight loss, I wasn't sure I wanted the bread after all. On the other hand, I'd wanted it so much last week, so much so that it felt like salvation, that I finally decided yes, I'd have the bread.

I ate a lot of bread. And that's about all I did today. Literally. I skipped both my gym classes, nixed the idea of a make-up walk, and lounged around all day eating bread and reading a book. Definitely not as good as that other Day 8.

But I'm still in the same boat, unemployed and unattached, so I have nothing but time for this diet. And the clock starts again tomorrow!

CREDIT ACCOUNT: $5

DAY 7: See No Evil

Once again, I am unemployed and unable to keep tempting food in the house, so this step doesn't really apply to me. I do still have my ARC cards posted in the food cupboard and on the fridge, as an extra line of defense.

And this Response Card is a great help, so I've recreated it:

Sabotaging Thought: I don't want to waste food by throwing it out.
Helpful Response: If I don't throw it out, I'll be at risk for "wasting" it in my body, where it'll turn to fat. Which is a better way to waste it?

This notion of wasting food is really important to me right now in the context of not cleaning every last speck of food from my plate. I have been so completely programmed to clean my plate that I really do, eating every last crumb and scraping up every last bit of sauce. By the time I'm done with a plate, you can barely tell it's been used!

The end result is that I often eat more than I want or need, so I worked on breaking that behavior last time. My success varied, but it is a big change and can't happen overnight. The important thing is that I keep working at it. Right now I'm trying to train myself to always leave the last bite. It's one bite, not much food to waste at all, but it can still be a struggle. But I have persistence and Dr. Beck on my side, so I'll get there eventually.

CREDIT ACCOUNT: $4

DAY 6: Huddle Up!

Dr. Beck advocates the coach thing, but I did just fine last time through with just her book and this blog. Perhaps I wouldn't have gone off the rails last December if I'd had a real-live coach to look in on me, but no Monday morning quarterbacks, right?

So I'm sticking with the ghost-coach and my Jiminy Cricket here, and that should work once again. And this time, I'm serving as coach to a friend, which should keep me on track. Here's hoping I can help myself while I'm helping her.

My credit was a little spottier today, but part of that was I haven't done much. Literally. I even skipped my exercise, which I wrestled over, but I've had a splitting headache for 2 days now, and the idea of jiggling my head is unappealing.

However, one amazing, incredible, wonderful thing I'm doing today (and giving myself lots of credit for) is combating my cravings. They're especially strong tonight and I found myself thinking, It wouldn't hurt if I just had a little something... So I jumped ahead to Day 19 and gave my resistance muscle a good work-out. Guess I got some exercise after all.

CREDIT ACCOUNT: $3

DAY 5: Concentrated Meals

I was a credit-giving maniac today! I congratulated myself on everything, genuinely and sincerely, and it felt great. And that sure makes it easier to fight the cravings that are creeping up on me now...

But today's focus is about focus. Being mindful and slow while I eat was another tough lesson to master and one I abandoned completely during my binging the last few months. I picked it back up pretty well today, but it's still a struggle.

My biggest problem is the boredom. Focusing on my food to the exclusion of everything else can occupy my mind for the first few bites, but then my attention drifts. I had no cure for this during my last run through the program, and I don't see any answers this time around. The best I can do is savor those first few bites and do my best with the rest.

The other thing I can do is stop eating in front of the TV, the computer, or a book. Having those distractions while I'm trying to focus doesn't help.

A third thing I can do is remind myself how much better my food tastes, how much more I enjoy it, when I'm eating slowly and mindfully. That's a pretty great reward for the effort!

CREDIT ACCOUNT: $2

DAY 4: You Go, Girl!

Today's step was one of the hardest of the Beck Diet Solution for me. I am very hard on myself and a pessimist to boot, so it was difficult learning to congratulate myself for all the good things I do for my diet, for all the bad things I avoid, and for all the mistakes I learn from and correct.

But I did learn to do it, and I still give myself credit sometimes. It's become a habit, but it's one I could practice with more frequency. So it's back to the tattoos to jog my memory and stay strong in the habit. I also have the original post-it on my fridge as a reminder, but this time around, I'm skipping the Response Cards on this topic. I don't have to convince myself anymore that I deserve credit, and that is a glorious feeling.

The credit account Dr. Beck recommended was the perfect reward for this positive behavior (I loved spending my credit quarters on all those new clothes!) so I'm doing that again. This time, for each day I complete my to-do list, I'll put a dollar in my account. I did a good job today, so there's already $1 in the bank. Yay, me!

CREDIT ACCOUNT: $1

DAY 3: But Not Resting on my Laurels

I slid back into this saddle quite easily. For the last 3 days, I've been automatically sitting when I eat, although I still had the same question about whether it counts when I lick the spoon after stirring or tasting my meal mid-preparation. I've decided the answer is that I am focused on what I'm putting in my mouth, so I'm meeting the spirit of today's step, if not the letter.

I've also jumped ahead a little to Day 14 by writing out a daily food plan every night. Thinking in advance what I'm going to eat helps me stick to eating only that (thereby preventing the binging!).

While I'm creating my food plans, I'm also counting calories. It's going much better than last time, partly because I've just been doing the math in my head instead of writing down the numbers in my food diary (OK, I've jumped ahead to Day 15 too). But mostly it's going better because I'm sticking to 1,200 calories a day so this time the numbers make me happy instead of suicidal.

But if I start slipping too far over 1,200 or eyeing food that isn't on my food plan, I have my self-invented Mantra Card (AKA an abbreviated Response Card) to stiffen my resolve:

I might not want to give up these behaviors, but I'll enjoy being thinner so much more.

I'm already enjoying it right now: I've lost weight in the last 3 days! This is a good start on meeting my first goal (so yeah, I've jumped ahead to Day 10 too). I'm just rarin' to go!

DAY 2: Stop the Madness!

I'm still a fan of the Slim-fast plan, so I'm sticking with that as my diet choice. However, I've almost given up the calorie counting -- it was too depressing seeing those 3,000+ days when I was overeating.

But overcoming the overeating is more important than whatever diet I choose. If I can't stop myself from binging, I'm not dieting anyway. So far it's been 4 days since I overate, and that is an enormous accomplishment. (Last night was a little touch and go when I was lying in bed thinking about a loaf of bread dipped in olive oil... But I didn't give in!)

Accepting that I can't change some of the things that are going wrong in my life this year has gone a long way to calming my need to stuff myself. But I needed more help. Since my experience with Dr. Beck's book was so positive and worthwhile, I overcame my aversion to self-help books and looked for one on overeating.

The first book I tried was Overcoming Overeating. The writers apparently have helped thousands of people with weight issues, and to be fair I didn't (couldn't) finish the book, but their advice struck me as a lot of nonsense.

My first problem was the assertion that the only source of all emotional eating is the frustration of being a woman in a male-dominated world. Now that is crazy a bold statement. I could have ignored that, but then I got to the grand plan for overcoming overeating: allow yourself to overeat. In fact, force yourself to overeat! The theory (very much simplified) is that eating whatever you want, however much you want, whenever you want will remove the taboo and cause you to lose interest in overeating, and then you'll slim down. Since I've been "practicing" the first half of that theory for the last 4 months and gained back 25 pounds in the process, I don't believe this theory works. Not for me anyway.

So now I'm trying Stop Stuffing Yourself. I'm only on chapter 3, but I'm liking it (except for the Weight Watchers commercials on every other page). The first step is dealing with family issues that cause overeating, from the lessons you learned as a child to the messages you hear now. Family didn't identify as an overeating trigger for me on the quiz in chapter 2, but I think it's because I don't see or speak with my family much anymore. But I do carry around the ideas they gave me as a kid, and some of those are still hurting me now. So it's time to deal with those wrong ideas instead of trying to bury them under a loaf of fat-soaked focaccia.

Here's hoping the remaining 6 steps are as helpful; I want to be thin and healthy, so the overeating must stop!

DAY 1: Third Time's the Charm

The last time I tried re-doing the Beck Diet Solution program, I realized I was just going through the motions with the idea the magic would just happen again. That the weight would just drop off with the ease of my first time through. It's true that I had a relatively easy run on the program then, but I was putting in effort. And that effort is the only way any diet can work.

So I took some time to get my mind right, to really commit once again to thinking and acting like a thin person. I believe I'm there this time, with two new incentives to make it.

The first incentive is the realization that if I had stuck to the program last year and continued at the same rate, today I would be at my goal weight. That could have been a depressing realization, but instead it shocked me out of my inertia.

The second incentive is a doctor's appointment at the end of this month. Doctor visits always mean a discussion about my weight, and this doctor will carry on that tradition. But she does it in such a sincerely caring, non-judgmental way that I hate to disappoint her, year after year, with my weight gains. This year, I have lost weight since my last visit, but I'd like to lose even more by the time I see her. A bigger loss would just be more impressive, and it means a good start on my journey this time.

The impetus to regain ground ('cause it hasn't happened by wishing for it) and the need to prove myself are powerful motivators. I'll also have my ARC to keep me going. And this time, I'm going all the way!

DAY 3 AGAIN: I Gotta Do What I Gotta Do

Looking back, I'm surprised how often I abandoned the simple tenet of today's step. Sitting to eat (i.e., focusing on the experience) is one of the easiest skills Dr. Beck teaches but over the last few months, I let myself forget it, stuffing food into my mouth whenever and wherever it was handy. And look where that got me!

But it's just like riding a bicycle (which wouldn't count for eating while sitting), so I'm expecting to pick up the habit again very quickly and easily.

I don't expect to need a Response Card for this step, but the Response Card Dr. Beck suggests for this step still helps me:

Sabotaging Thought: I don't want to stop eating while I'm standing.
Helpful Response: I need to sit down to eat. When I eat standing up, I just don't notice what I'm eating. I could eat way too much without realizing it. If I want to be thinner, I have to impose this rule on myself. I might not want to give up this behavior, but I'll enjoy being thinner so much more.

The underlined statement is the kicker for me: the idea that losing weight isn't going to be fun but will still be worthwhile is an idea I need to devoutly believe to be successful. So I've created a Response Card with this statement and will read it twice a day along with my ARC.

My progress today:

I read my Advantages Response Card at least twice.

I created a Response Card to encourage myself to sit while eating.

I created a reminder system so I'll remember to sit while eating.

I sat down when I ate: Every Time

DAY 2 AGAIN: Slim-Fast and a Slide Rule

My original plan continues to work for me, as long as I work it. So I'm sticking with the Slim-Fast plan, with the addition of counting calories.

I've been counting calories for the last two weeks, and it's been a real eye-opener. So many foods, I have no concept of their calories. Sometimes I've been pleasantly surprised but more often it's been shockingly unpleasant. But knowing (roughly) how many calories I'm eating each day is helping to tame my binge tendencies.

It is hard to count calories though. Most of the food I eat is what I make from scratch, so a lot of the counting is really just guesstimating. But even if I'm not getting exact figures, I'm still getting a scaryrealistic picture of how far over 1,200 calories I'm eating every day. (Hint: FAR over.)

So I'll continue to guesstimate my calories, until I get the binging under control, and then I may continue to make sure I'm getting enough calories (a problem I had long, long ago). Oh, to have such problems now!

My progress today:

I read my Advantages Response Card at least twice.

I chose a reasonable primary diet and a backup diet.

DAY 1 AGAIN: Why I Want to Lose Weight, by Beck Diet Girl

Not to jinx myself, but I think I'm back:

• * I'm feeling happier and healthy
• * I returned to the gym today
• * I successfully battled cravings
• * and I completed the first task of the Beck Diet Solution on this second go-round!

That last bullet point is the only official task of Day 1, but without the other three, I doubt I would've made it.

My reasons for wanting to lose weight haven't changed since the first time. Dr. Beck suggests we'll find additional reasons as we progress, but I guess I covered everything at the start. Here they are, with my thoughts on where I am:

I'll be able to wear pretty clothes.

Gaining back so much of the weight I lost last year on the Beck Diet Solution has certainly added to my depression, and a big part of the sadness is that I no longer fit into some of my pretty clothes. But wanting to get back into those clothes and even smaller sizes should be good motivation.

I'll be more attractive

I'm feeling decidedly unattractive carrying more weight again; I miss my hollowed cheekbones and skinny knees.

I'll be more likely to be asked out on a date.

Men aren't even flirting with me now like they were just 3 months ago, but a lot of that has to be how unhappy I am in my own skin these days. More reason to lose the weight again and get my flirt back on!

I'll look better in pictures.

The pictures of me on my trip to Europe are not happy memories -- who is that blob standing by the Arno?

I won't have as much pain, especially in my back.

Tylenol is running an ad right now claiming that losing 1 lb. takes 4 lbs. of pressure off your knees. My knees ache when I think about how much pressure I'm putting on them again.

My body will be physically fit and able to do what I ask.

I'm already puffing a little on the stairs again, which is more because I'm out of shape than I'm fat. But two birds with one stone...

I'll increase my self-esteem.

I'm so disgusted with myself right now. Throwing away 5 months of hard work, for whatever reasons, has been hard on my self-esteem, and I'd like to go back to liking myself. I miss that sense of well-being.

I'll have accomplished something important.

I think I took my success for granted last time, but now I really understand how much I accomplished. Now I have to face how much more I have to accomplish, and it's daunting...

I won't be embarrassed when I'm naked.

When I weigh myself, I'm facing a mirror, and I don't like what I see. My arms are puffier, my waist is thicker, my stomach hangs lower. Worst of all, I never catch myself smiling anymore. I want my smiles back.

I'll show I'm a changed person.

I don't like the changes I'm reflecting right now. I want to get back to the admiring looks and congratulatory comments. Really, I'm not who I look like!

Reading these reasons twice a day proved to be a huge boost to my motivation and that's just what I need right now, so this is a great place to start again. And to complete today's task, I rewrote my reasons on a new index card, using a new ink color.

I also have my two reminder systems: business cards in the kitchen and post-its in the bathroom. I've updated the business cards by shading them in different colors, and I will reorganize the post-its on the bathroom mirror on a regular basis.

My hope is that by making everything fresh and new-looking, the Beck Diet Solution won't seem like the same old same old, and it will work so fantastically again. I've even updated the look of this blog, to symbolize the clean slate of my second, successful journey on the Beck Diet Solution.

My checklist for Day 1:

I created my Advantages Response Card.

I wrote, recorded, or posted these advantages elsewhere.

I implemented a reminder system.

Starting Over

Oh, that's right, I have a diet blog, don't I?

I fully intended to kick-off 2008 with a review of the Beck Diet Solution, but then I got busy with being too depressed to do anything but eat lots of comfort food and blow off my gym membership. And then I went to Europe, where I continued to eat lots (and lots) of comfort food but walked until I almost wore my feet down to the ankles. Now I'm home again and 15 pounds heavier than when I last signed into Blogger.

That's right, in less than 2 months, I've undone half the work I put into my diet last year. That realization is no cure for my depression, but still I'm feeling ready to rejoin my life, already in progress. So on with the diet.

Tomorrow I'll start with Day One of the program by reviewing my reasons for losing weight.

I also had planned to get back to the gym, going to my water aerobics class and my step aerobics class, as well as going for a walk with a friend. Instead, I tripped over my own feet today and ripped off a toenail.

Such a world of pain. Certainly the physical pain of tearing flesh like that, also the emotional pain of looking at the bloody stump that is my big toe now (I'm fighting my gag reflex just typing about it), but most importantly the spiritual pain of having my exercise plan thwarted. Because ripped-off toenail = no pool, no walking comfortably, no putting weight on my foot until my toe heals.

In a really lame application of "the bright side", at least my cravings are focused on Schedule II narcotics now instead of cheese danish.